The Daily Mobster | Parody Newspaper and Webcomic

MORNING MUGSHOT

Duke

November 7th, 2013

Guest Artist: Eduardo Vieira

We are excited to feature the amazing work of Eduardo Vieira on The Daily Mobster.  He has generously supplied more than one mobster of his own design, so stay tuned for the continuing story that unfolds between his characters.  If you haven’t found him already be sure to find him on Instagram, Blogger, Facebook, YouTube, or Twitter.

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Duke

The king, the boss, Don of the east end.

He’s a devil in disguise, and no one’s friend.

Nothing gets by him; everyone gets harassed,

Duke’s not someone to meet at breakfast.

He does what he wants and takes what he needs,

nearly the whole town is down on their knees.

There is one person that stands in his path,

Smiley Carlo, fights back to his wrath.

No need to be a genius, see what Duke wants most:

Wipe Carlo off the map of the east side coast.

Back and forth, the two wage war,

Gaining territory, door by door.

Illustration and story idea by Eduardo Vieira

Writing/Rhyming by The Daily Mobster

Frank “Flat Top” Stein

October 29th, 2013

frankenstein, frank flat top baseball bat giant thug mobster gangster character design cartoon comic sketchbookjack retro mugshot drawing sketch art

Frank “Flat Top” Stein

Somewhere between midnight and morning
lurks a looming, lumbering giant.
Following a noise that cannot escape,
to the sound, he creeps, so reliant.

Searching the night for the music he hears,
he won’t stop ’till he puts it to rest.
Pounding the things that gets in his way,
not level-headed, and far too obsessed.

The musical murderer has arrived.
Yes! Yes! It’s alive!

Is he a man or is he monster?
He has hardly a brain in that head.
But one thing’s for sure, he’s an angry one,
watch out, or soon you’ll be dead.

Don’t sing, and certainly don’t hum
hide, run for cover, quick get in.
One thing’s for sure, don’t sit by the well,
and never, play violin.

The musical murderer has arrived.
Yes! Yes! It’s alive!

The rumor ’bout him is quite grimm.
They say that a mad man built him,
from bits and parts that they stole from the morgue.
Put in a brain, and stitched on his limbs.

No matter the story, just beware.
His face is all over the news.
If you see him, report him, and try to thwart him,
his sanity’s only held on by screws.

The musical murderer has arrived.
Yes! Yes! It’s alive!

“Duct Tape” Dave

October 24th, 2013

duct tape dave mummy mobster gangster character design cartoon comic webcomic daily mobster sketchbookjack ink drawing black and white tied up trick or treat polaroid retro sketch scared“Duct Tape” Dave

Well, well, well, what do you know.

All wrapped up with nowhere to go.

Just like your brother, you just had that itch

a secret, a story, you just had to snitch.

Getting so chummy with the cops, you dummy,

got you all wrapped up like a scummy old mummy.

Unfortunate for you, it’s Halloween,

so you’ll go unnoticed, virtually unseen.

Kids with candy, laughing, wide eyed,

stare back at your eyes, mummified.

Go ahead, just try to escape,

walking is hard when you’re wrapped up in tape.

The next time you go and try to confess,

we’ll run you through the embalming process.

Illustration Friday‘s: Entangled

Baron Samedi

October 22nd, 2013

Baron Samedi cartoon character design comic art illustration black and white top hat skull face makeup cane tweed vest voodoo hoodoo new orleans halloween black and white design drawing funny sketchbookjack pimp feather polaroid vintage retro antique photo background skull crossbones jolly roger

Baron Samedi

The mysterious member of the magical mob,
the dealer of deeds, the seller of souls.
For when business gets dark and a real nasty job,
burn the incense, the sacrifice on coals.

Just hoo doo you think you are
in that vest, oh so tweedy?
What voodoo do you do, underneath the star?
Watch out for Baron Samedi.

If you are willing, with him, to confide,
he’s in it to win it, just show what you will sell.
Your target will be ushered, to the other side
and you’ll be, forever, indebted to his spell.

Just hoo doo you think you are
greedy, making deals so seedy?
What voodoo do you do, underneath the star?
Watch out you Baron Samedi.

The Invisible Man

October 14th, 2013

the invisible man bank robber nose glasses disguise fake glasses furry eyebrows hairy moustache mustache cartoon comic character daily mobster gangster retro polaroid mugshot money bag revolver drawing ink black and white wallpaper floating

The Invisible Man

Is he real or is it mass hysteria?
Jewelers, traders and bank tellers
claim to have seen him in the area.
Beware you buyers and sellers.

Sixteen banks were robbed at gunpoint
all by a nobody, wearing a moustache.
Jewelers say he was casing the joint,
then thieving gold, silver and cash.

One has to wonder when your name implies,
that you are indeed, actually transparent
why you would have to wear a disguise.
That just seems incoherent.

Is it then fair, for one to conclude,
aside from the furry nose glass
that you rob the banks in the nude?
Sure a good thing we can’t see your….

I’m not sure which is better
for the front page fodder:
Are you The Invisible Swindler
or the Full Moon Marauder?

For Illustration Friday’s Topic: Moustache

“Bubbles The Snitch”

October 9th, 2013

bubbles underwater drown tied up sleeps with the fishes mobster gangster ropes bound suit 1920s 1930s cartoon comic character deisign black white ink sketchbookjack polaroid retro vintage old shoe rubber ducky blurry distorted humor comedy funny art

“Bubbles The Snitch”
(In the style of a commercial jingle)

Plop, plop, fizz fizz,
You’s in trouble, yes you is.
Oh “Bubbles,” you’re such a rotter.
How’s it down there in the water?

You and your brothers
are quite the bothers.
All you stool pigeons
must pay for your sins.
It’s not so nice
to tattle to vice,
now you ain’t got no brass
to cover your ass.

Plop, plop, fizz fizz,
You’s in trouble, yes you is.
Bet you are hoping for wishes,
How is it sleeping with the fishes?

You’re  in such a snitching rut,
can’t just keep it shut?
It’s ok, it’s no sweat.
Everyone will soon forget.
No protection and no fame,
we’ll even have to change your name.
They’ll never know if you were poor or rich,
only that you were “Bubbles The Snitch”

Plop, plop, fizz fizz,
You’s in trouble, yes you is.
Snitch snitch, what a snake,
how’s the bottom of the lake?

For Illustration Friday’s: Under Water

Lew Gordon

September 8th, 2013

Daily Mobster Sketchbookjack Private Eye Detective Character Design Cartoon Comic Mugshot Gangster camouflage trenchcoat  fedora trilby wallpaper blend hidden hiding

Lew Gordon: Private Eye
(In the style of a film noir limerick)

He hides behind the tree in the park,
lurks in the shadows and the dark,
following at night,
he stays out of sight,
and he never even leaves a mark.

He’s become the master of disguise,
the privatest of private eyes.
Quick-change like chameleon,
speaks Italian and Korean.
The silent, slickest spy of spies.

Sewing trenchcoats to fit in,
of wallpaper, wood or tin,
hides in the fog,
or dressed as a dog
he has even painted his skin.

So when you feel someone’s  in your midst
know that Lew Gordon exists.
It’s not a mirage,
he’s in camouflage,
And now you’re on his watch list.

When Pigs Fly

August 27th, 2013

daily mobster sketchbookjack cartoon comic character design illustration black andw white horse jockey rider racer vintage retro  polaroid mugshot profile striped design

“When Pigs Fly”
(The Style of a Hyper Race Announcer)

And here we go folks, the final lap!
In the lead is It’s A Trap.
Oh Hell Yes is in second place,
Is This Rigged? will make this a close race.

Who’s The Boss is trampling past Paid Off,
making it uncomfortable for To The Left And Cough.
Oh folks! Your Mama Can’t Dance,
you better believe, here comes Fat Chance.

Bringing up the back we got Sleeps With Fishes,
Put those hands together, You Got Three Wishes.
Hope you didn’t put your money on this last guy
slogging behind is When Pigs Fly.

Betting odds are eight hundred to one,
 When Pigs Fly is surely done!
But wait, what’s this, it cannot be!
Your Mama Can’t Dance, she’s got a broken knee!

When Pigs Fly, he Got Three Wishes,
Past Chance, Cough, and Sleeps With Fishes!
This is crazy, it’s the pony express!
Is This Rigged?, Oh Hell Yes!

Can You believe it, eight hundred to one?
Can you believe that jockey just won?
Someone is rich, and now many will cry.
Man oh man, When Pigs Fly.

More Morning Mugshots

EXTRA EXTRA

BREAKING NEWS, OPINION, HUMOR, HOROSCOPE AND ADVICE

AUTHOR BEGS FOR MONEY

March 10th, 2014

You may have been harassed by a person wearing black, black suspenders and a hounds tooth cap. He is begging the locals for money; some have called it pan-handling. He wants to print books, oh, how lofty. He is directing people to something called a “Kickstarter” where he has made a small film and is giving away prizes.  If you are interested in supporting the arts, or just a begging author, have a look at his postings.

READERS REPLY: PAN HANDLERS

March 1st, 2014

Some readers have been complaining about the increase in pan handling around town. One resident said there is a man wearing black, black suspenders and a hounds-tooth newsie cap asking people for money so he can print books. She thought it was such a strange request from a homeless man that she obliged but nonetheless feels uncomfortable and would like the DMPD to take control of the pan handlers around town.

What are your thoughts? Do you think there are too many pan handlers around town, have you been asked to fund a project to print books? Would you like the DMPD to do something about this? Write us at dailymobster@gmail.com

MARCH HOROSCOPES

March 1st, 2014

Aries:3/21-4/19 : March will be quiet for you. But prepare for next month. Something might eclipse your life.

Taurus:4/20-5/20 : Now that you’ve hopefully spent some time, safely indoors. Get out and be social, before you become full albino vampire.

Gemini:5/21-6/20 : This month is big for your career. Things will happen that might appear to be struggles but be ready for something big to happen at work. And I don’t mean big like the time they found that body in the freezer, in the back.

Cancer:6/21-7/22 : Your adventurous side will be sparked. You will travel, learn, philosophize, or even meet someone new. Don’t do them all at once though, that will just lead you into an underground trafficking ring while you are traveling and too busy to know better that these “new” people you are meeting don’t want to philosophize.

Leo:7/23-8/22 : Money, money, money! You will be compensated quite generously this month, but with taxes around the corner, be sure to hide your new found income under the mattress.

Virgo:8/23-9/22 : If you are a happy person, this month will likely be a happy one. If you are generally unhappy or sad, this month is going to be pretty grey. You will be amazed at how accurate this fortune is.

Libra:9/23-10/22 : This is your time to be productive, because sitting around in your pajamas, eating toffee, almond cookies isn’t getting you any closer to your goals. That said, you could be productive by setting a record for how many cookies a single person can eat in one hour. That might make you famous. Your choice, fat slob.

Scorpio:10/23-11/21 : You have come to the moment when you will find life lyrical, poetic, sentimental and lovely. You will likely fall in love. It could just be with a movie star, but that’s OK, you need to update that poster you have, taped above your bed to someone new.

Sagittarius:11/22-12/21 : This is your month for focusing on your home. Perhaps that leaky roof needs repairs, perhaps a coat of paint, or maybe you just need to make it feel a little more like home. You’ve been away for a little to long and your spouse is starting to get suspicious. Fix something around the house and pretend like you care.

Capricorn:12/22-1/19 : Your normal routines will not serve you this month. You need to break out of your box and do something spontaneous. The crow sleeps in the nest tonight. And by spontaneous, I mean get out, go. The eagles are approaching. Seriously, do something spontaneous like, move to Mexico. May Day, May Day. Next month, we will address your thick skull and how you have no clue what I am talking about.

Aquarius:1/20-2/18 : You will have a surge of artistic creativity and a surge in money. It could be related to that creative counterfeiting business you just set up in your basement.

Pisces:2/19-3/20 : Everyone knows. Stop pretending they don’t.

THE SNOWMAN STRIKES AGAIN?

February 16th, 2014

Two homeowners on the 800 block of Blake Street in the Gaslamp district have reported break-ins. The suspect is unconfirmed but evidence shows snow crystals tracked through the front halls and coal dust was found on the walls. The suspect is believed to have been scared off when the dog at the second house caught him. The homeowner woke to his dog chewing on a wet carrot.

ST. VALENTINE’S DAY

February 10th, 2014

In honor of St. Valentine’s Day, the honorable Mayor has announced that there will be a theater reenactment of the massacre at the Main Street Square on the corner of Bad Taste and Insensitivity at noon on February 14th. Be sure to grab your sweetheart, your honey, your lover, or your friend and come down to watch the massacre with your valentine. Wear clothing that can be washed or can easily hide the color red. Insensitivity Avenue will be closed off due to the rerouted heavy traffic on Bad Taste Circle. All roads will reopen at 2:00pm.

FEBRUARY HOROSCOPES

February 1st, 2014

Aries:3/21-4/19 : Although February is normally the month of love, you will struggle with love this time around. Love will take you by your ram horns and attempt to take you down, so beware of this and don’t be the bull that you are and fall for the waving red cape of love.

Taurus:4/20-5/20 : It seems you had a hard time listening to last month’s horoscope, so perhaps we should try it again. I won’t say “I told you so” but…Stay indoors.

Gemini:5/21-6/20 : Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Fortunately for you, as the beholder, you can’t see yourself, because you ain’t beautiful. This month, get a haircut, a trim, a facial, a rubber mask, anything at all./p>

Cancer:6/21-7/22 : This month of love you will find it. You have to want it though, really, really want it. Once you want to want something that bad you forget you were faking it and it starts to become real, then you fall in love with it and realize that the horoscope was right all the long.

Leo:7/23-8/22 : Eh. Don’t bother.

Virgo:8/23-9/22 : There’s a raise in your future. It could be that bonus raise at work you have been waiting for, but more likely it’s a raise in your rent.

Libra:9/23-10/22 : Your planet is no longer in retrograde, that dark, stinking, cloud is gone, or maybe you just finally decided to take a bath. Either way, be it due to hygiene or a moving planet, your month is looking up for both jobs and relationships. If it was the planets, increase your luck that much more and take a bath.

Scorpio:10/23-11/21 : Mercury is in retrograde, so you will be a nut job this month. Your friends will be scared of you and you’ll likely make mistakes at work. Don’t commit yourself to the loony bin just yet

Sagittarius:11/22-12/21 : I think you took last month’s advice a little too seriously. You’ve been hiding indoors a little too much. Your skin is pasty, your eyes are dilated and Halloween is still months away. I know it’s winter and it’s desolate and white outside, but you don’t need to attempt natural camouflage.

Capricorn:12/22-1/19 : Big Mickey told me an interesting story about you. I think you know what I’m talking about. Now is the time to handle that, otherwise you might not be around to read next month’s horoscope.

Aquarius:1/20-2/18 : You will feel a sense of urgency around this birthday season. Perhaps it is because you are getting old, but more likely it’s because you are trying to beat the meter maid to your unpaid parking meter, running twenty minutes late for work, and forgot to put gas in the car. Urgency strikes more, the ill-prepared.

Pisces:2/19-3/20 : Love is in the air, you are going to smell it and fall in love. If this is what you want, then great, but if you aren’t really on the look out for love right now it will smack you silly. It could be wonderful for you, but that smack is going to hurt after the numbness wears off.

BEWARE THE SNOWMAN

January 28th, 2014

The cat burglar known as “The Snowman” is on the loose again. Several sightings have been reported in the north east quarter of the Gaslight District. Snow covered yards that previously did not have children’s creations were spotted with a snowman that appeared to move positions. Three houses were reported broken into and two additional houses show signs of tampering on the locks. Carrot shreds were found caught in the key holes. Coal dust was trampled on the welcome mats. If you spot any suspicious snowmen, snow women, snow people or snow animals please report such activity to your local neighborhood watch as well as your local DMPD station.

The only known description of “The Snowman” is that he is about 5’10″, plump, heaviest on the bottom, white, and wears a black top hat.

JANUARY HOROSCOPES

January 1st, 2014

Aries:3/21-4/19 : Death is likely. Stay indoors.

Taurus:4/20-5/20 : Death is likely. Stay indoors.

Gemini:5/21-6/20 : Death is likely. Stay indoors.

Cancer:6/21-7/22 : Death is likely. Stay indoors.

Leo:7/23-8/22 : Death is likely. Stay indoors.

Virgo:8/23-9/22 : Death is likely. Stay indoors.

Libra:9/23-10/22 : Death is likely. Stay indoors.

Scorpio:10/23-11/21 : Death is likely. Stay indoors..

Sagittarius:11/22-12/21 : Death is likely. Stay indoors.

Capricorn:12/22-1/19 : Death is likely. Stay indoors.

Aquarius:1/20-2/18 : Death is likely. Stay indoors.

Pisces:2/19-3/20 : Death is likely. Stay indoors.

NEW YEARS PARADE

January 1st, 2014

The annual New Year’s Day Parade will be held between 11:00am and 1:00pm mainly along Broadway Blvd. The route has been rerouted from last year’s normal route as Mrs. Arlington and the Main Street Ladies Club has protested the route claiming damages to flower beds. The city disputes this claim as said flower beds were completely covered in snow and ice last year; no flowers were damaged. The initial hearing of The Main Street Ladies Club v The City will be heard later this year in February. To avoid further conflict the parade route has been diverted away from the Main Street residential area and will now travel down Sixth Street. Mr. Langston and the Sixth Street Singers Club fully supports this change and will join the march with traditional barbershop music once the parade reaches Sixth Street. Secure your spots early, sidewalks fill up quickly!

NOVEMBER HOROSCOPES

November 4th, 2013

Aries:3/21-4/19 : Expect drama around this time of year. I’m talking: marriage, divorce, babies, death, good times or bad times. Be prepared to cry and/or laugh. Venus, the lover, is in the house so be sure not to get caught with her. Everything will be dramatic, so take advantage of it while you can.

Taurus:4/20-5/20 : Choose another horoscope sign to read this month, it will be a lot better than what yours is.

Gemini:5/21-6/20 : Money is coming your way. Before you get too excited, take it easy. It could be a briefcase of money that you really shouldn’t touch, it could be the winning lottery ticket, it could be money you are just meant to keep temporarily for someone or something. But this month will be about financials. Change the password on your bank account, keep a close tally on your checkbook, and watch out for fishy business. This is your chance to get in on some financial successes, or go broke and be homeless. Your choice.

Cancer:6/21-7/22 : This month you will be evaluated so be on your best behavior. Someone is watching you, for better or worse. It might be that black sedan that has been following you for two weeks, it might be the security guard, or more likely, it’s that shirtless guy with a mustache in the apartment across the alley with the binoculars. Just know that this month, you are being watched.

Leo:7/23-8/22 : I hate to say it, but this month is going to be rough for you. Things will have a tendency to go overboard and start a chain reaction, like Rube Goldberg. Like that burger you eat at Sally’s on Broadway, it probably is going to make you really sick. You’ll complain to the manager, he will get defensive and punch you in the face. The fight will escalate, causing three big guys in suits to carry you off to the back room, black back your head, and leave you there for hours. Mind you, you still aren’t feeling well, so you’ll have to embarrass yourself for when someone finally comes to let you out and you take the walk of shame home. But, that’s just a hypothetical example.

Virgo:8/23-9/22 : This is a special time for you. You are going to fall in love. Your creativity and expressive nature will shine this month. That will help when trying to explain to friends and family why you’ve fallen in love with an inanimate object. But don’t pay them any mind. It’s not just puppy love, it’s real.

Libra:9/23-10/22 : You’ll take part in a lot of family gathers this month. Aside from the holidays you’ll find that there is much more to your family than you thought. Uncle Sal doesn’t actually trade currencies for a living (I mean, really? You thought that was really what he did?), and Cousin Albert and his brother Aaron aren’t just security officers. All I’m saying is, be careful what you ask this month, or at least be prepared for the answers.

Scorpio:10/23-11/21 : You’ll be filled with emotion this month. Passions, angers, rage, desires will be on fire. Speaking of fire, I’d keep those emotions on a tight leash as an actual fire, to your house or car, is also a possibility this month.

Sagittarius:11/22-12/21 : Temptations are running high this time of year. As they say, if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is. If it sounds good at all, you should probably stay away from it.

Capricorn:12/22-1/19 : You should probably stop taking the #5 this week. Take the long route, through the West Village.

Aquarius:1/20-2/18 : All of your initiative and effort might face many blocks this month, literal blocks. You might have the feeling of being walled in, perhaps gagged, tied up and cemented into the wall of the old 10th Street Hotel.

Pisces:2/19-3/20 : See, someone came to untie you! Now it’s time to take that first step. Adventure is ahead of you. You still have to figure out where you are and how to get home. Don’t think of it as the worst thing that has ever happened to you, think of it is a learning experience; it’s fun!

BED SHEET THEFT ON THE RISE

October 29th, 2013

Dozens of complaints of petty theft have been reported to the DMPD regarding the theft of bed sheets. The first report came in two weeks ago in early October but as the month went on, the complaint numbers have escalated. It is suspected to be one of many Halloween time pranks or perhaps being turned into ghostly costumes. The DMPD have issued a statement that they are investigating the complaints and have released a description of the stolen items. The items, chronologically by date of theft, are listed:

October 8th: white bed sheet, queen. October 11th, White bed sheet, queen and white fitted sheet, queen. October 13th, Six sets of white bed sheets, King and One set of full size. October 15th, Fourteen white pillowcases and one white bed sheet, California king. October 17th, Two white fitted sheets, Queen and one white duvet cover, twin. October 18th, Three unopened packages of white bed sheets, king. October 20th, A full set of creme, bedspreads. Later returned back to the owner. October 21st, Nine white sheets, queen and full, one of which has a faint strip pattern. October 22nd, Four sets of white square pillow cases and one white bed sheet, twin. October 25th, An entire 2600 block of Fifth street woke up to missing white sheets, of various sizes. October 28th, 34 white pillow cases, 8 flat sheets, queen and full, and two fitted sheets, king. October 29th, One white duvet cover, king and a white king bed skirt.

If you have seen any of these items or may know of someone who has, please contact DMPD as soon as possible. Be on the lookout for burglars and thieves climbing on rooftops and looking in bedroom windows. The police have suggested expanding presence on All Hollow’s Eve to inspect the tags of bedsheets being worn by children dressed as ghosts. To report missing bedsheets please contact the DMPD and provide a description of the missing item.

WOMAN PUTS MONEY WHERE MOUTH IS

October 22nd, 2013

Upon entering the restaurant, one Miss Lingerfelder of 1515 Hauser St. ordered a hamburger from the cook at Big Louie’s on 802 Main St. She tossed a bill and some coins to the server, not seeing it fell on the open face of the hamburger. She drenched the burger in catsup and mustard, closed the bun and continued to bite down. She did not realize she had eaten money until she hit coin. She chipped two teeth. When interviewed, Miss Lingerfelder replied, “I’ve been coming here for years. It’s ok, I’m not mad, I was ready for a change.”

FOOTBALL TEAM SUSPECTED OF FOUL PLAY

October 22nd, 2013

The Buckminster Highschool football team is being investigated by local authorities on charges of foul play. One, Richard “The Rookie” Rocks, known east side mobster is the father of star qaurterback, highschool heart throb, dumb as rocks, twinkling eye, locker room showoff, and prom king has been caught paying off and threatening football coaches of other highschools. Buckminster Highschool ranking of 82-0 was what threw the warning flag which was thought to be impossible, especially since they haven’t shown for six games, and were missing fifteen players at one point.

THREE CAPTIVES NEARLY MISTAKEN FOR GYRO MEAT

October 22nd, 2013

Three men were discovered in the kitchen freezer of Starlight Lounge on East 55th Street in Little Athens. Their legs were bound but their hands were free to allow themselves to feed off frozen meat. It is unclear how long they may have been there or who may have captured them there. The Daily Mobster asked Nikko Papageorgio, the owner and manager of the Starlight Lounge how the men got there. His only comment was, “It gets hot around here, maybe they wanted to cool off.” When pressed further for his employee records and a timeline of how long they may have been there he only responded, “How should I know? My eyesight is not so good, I could have easily mistaken them for a side of beef. Let’s be glad they didn’t end up in the gyros today.”

DMPD has yet to release the names of the victims but when asked who had done this heinous act to them the journalist was met with a cold shoulder and an icy tone. A response is expected when their windpipes thaw.

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RESOLUTIONS

January 5th, 2014

Dear Alphonse,

Is it corny and cliché to make New Years resolutions? Do people actually ever follow through with these resolutions?
Sincerely,
UnResolvedResolute

Dear UnResolvedResolute,

If you want hard figures, it seems to be around 14% of folks who make resolutions actually keep them. (Don’t ask me to cite that source. It was my resolution last year to document sources but I never was able to follow through). Those numbers certainly aren’t in your favor, but the funny thing about statistics is, all it takes is one outlier, one change to throw the whole set. By all means, make yourself feel better, if only for one week. Is it corny and cliché? Yes. But so is your overly accurate use of an accented E in the word cliché, so clearly you aren’t terribly concerned about being corny.

All that said, don’t make promises you can’t keep. That’s a good rule of thumb for just about anything. Read back about my advice to playing Two Card Monte if you want a look into promises. The better question is why you need January 1st to mean anything to you, why not decide to make a change to your life on March 10th or August 6th? If you need a box on a newly bought kitten calendar to ignite change in you, and you are worried about other people’s ability to keep resolutions rather than your own, that should be your answer.

In short, not to be harsh, but don’t bother with resolutions. Just do what needs to be done, no matter what day or year it is.

Capeesh?
Alphonse

askAlphonse

Have a question you are dying to ask, need advice? Ask Alphonse your own question, about anything. Click the green link to the right or #AskAlphonse on Twitter

TWO CARD MONTE

November 7th, 2013

Dear Alphonse,

I once worked for a retail establishment. After I’d been there a few months, my boss took me aside and said that if anyone, ANYONE, ever bothered me, just let them know. It would be taken care of. A few weeks after that, one of my coworkers let me know I was working for a ‘company front business’, if you know what I mean. My question is – was I wrong to not give them the name of that one person who really needed a pair of cement overshoes?
Sincerely,
HereThereBeSpiders

Dear HereThereBeSpiders,

This company, they offer a service, no? The friendly reminder your boss gave to you was a nudge in the direction of said services. Now, whether you take him up on that offer or not is solely up to you and your needs. The manner in which he shared said offer most certainly implied that if he were in your shoes (un-cemented, hopefully), he’d be taking up his own offer.

I liken it to a game of pick a hand or two-card monte. Suppose you agree to play and choose the left hand. But, under the left hand is a a guy he knows, some slimy sucker like the one-eyed Jack. Well now you got yourself in a jam and so does he. Now you have to play another round, but this time he picks. He might honor your win and cut ole’ one-eyed out of the deck. This, of course, is not pleasant. You got what you wanted but he’ll carry that loss around, forever asking you to play again because you owe him a chance to win his loss back. Now the other outcome is that he doesn’t like your choice of card, ole’ one-eye is a good buddy he used to play kickball with back in St. Vinnie De Leon’s middle school. Now that’s a bad one because he looks real bad for backing out on his word and you look bad for picking on his friend Jackie boy. I don’t have to say it twice, but the outcome in that one, she ain’t so good.

But then you might choose the right hand. The right hand is just “Deuce” McDiamonds. Ain’t nobody ever bet two wooden nickles on “Deuce”; he’ll hardly be missed. Now you might think you are in the clear. On the one hand, maybe he plays a clean game and once the deal is settled it’s settled and you win. But my guess is that he is going to want to break even so he’ll forever be telling you that you owe him another round.

Then there’s the fifth option of not playing, which you said you did. That one is without direct consequence, but you’ll forever wonder what is under those cards. Hey, just like gambling, I can’t tell you which hand to pick, but I can give you the odds. And by my math, assuming you play, 1 out of 4 gets you a favorable outcome. And that four is a big IF. Nothing is free; he’s gonna want to try to win back his loss. So you can get rid of ole’ Jackie Boy but one day he’s gonna ask you to play Monte again and that fifth option won’t be available anymore.

Capeesh?
Alphonse

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TRICK OR TREAT

October 25th, 2013

Dear Alphonse,

I love trick-or-treating during halloween but I have diabetes. What do I do?
Sincerely,
@CoconutJustice

Dear @CoconutJustice,

There is a pretty simple answer to this, so I’ll get right to it.

Drink Hooch.

Next time you are dressed up as a french maid or in a terrible rubber mask, knocking on doors, don’t ask for candy, ask for moonshine. Most certainly, many of them (if not all of them) will tell you they don’t have any or if they do, that they aren’t giving it out. Clearly, this is where trick comes into play. I don’t think I need to tell you what to do next.

So let me just be clear, to avoid diabetes on Halloween, or anytime for that matter, drink hooch.

Capeesh?
Alphonse

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TAXING THE SYSTEM

October 23rd, 2013

Dear Alphonse,

Alphonse, I forgot to file my taxes. What do I do?
Sincerely,
@CoconutJustice

Dear @CoconutJustice,

Are you bragging or is this a question? If you want the short answer it’s as easy as rephrasing your own question: Forget to file your taxes. But then, I can’t get away with only writing half a sentence response. So let me elaborate.

Some of the most famous criminals, corporate executives, bankers and politicians were finally brought down by their taxes, even after years of murder, bootlegging, kidnapping, extortion and drug trafficking. I’d separate their charges from their titles accordingly but then I’d be repeating myself. They were charged not for murder, manslaughter, assault, or battery but with tax fraud or tax evasion. When evidence and charges of violent crime fail, resort to the books, Batman! By all accounts you have committed the worst crime possible in the government’s eyes. You should be promoted, perhaps to head of a Wall Street firm. But watch out, my friend, the apocryphal men with guns are most certainly coming for you. You will be made as an example for your peers, an example of what happens when you don’t keep your revenue in offshore accounts and don’t continually report that despite your multimillion dollar share holder earnings, your business has no earnings to be taxed.

It appears, your income is far too normal. My advice to you is to either make far more money or figure out “a way” to make no money at all, because in those two cases, and those two cases alone does the statement “I forgot to pay my taxes” turn into “Forget taxes.” I’d like to close with something witty about there being only two guarantees in life but that would just be disingenuous. I’m no accountant, but I know how to draw a circle. You’d think tax forms would just arrive, pre-filled, with a bunch of zeros. That’s what goes in those spaces, right?

Capeesh?
Alphonse

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RATTED OUT

October 22nd, 2013

Dear Alphonse,

I have a rat problem. They live in my basement and break into the onions, grains and other goods I store there. I have tried sealing the food, setting traps, and I even brought a cat home but I still have rats. I feel like they are only multiplying and I don’t know what to do. What can I do to fix my rat problem?

Sincerely,
Ratted Out

Dear Ratted Out,

Rats are the worst. One rat finds your secret stash; he made his way in through an open window or a crack in the wall. Then he blabs your secret to his little rat friend. Then his little rat friend jaws off to his friends and before you know it you got a whole bunch of rats ratting you out. Traps are okay for one or two, but once one gets nabbed and the others witness it then you got a dirty job you need to cover up. Those other rat friends ain’t gonna go around that trapped area no more, and they sure ain’t gonna step on a trap for some peanut butter, especially when you got the goods just a step away. That cat is just a nasty mooch. He’s like Lenny, the extortionist. He takes your paycheck and eats your food but is really in cahoots with the guy you told him to strong-arm. He knows if he gets rid of them then he’s out of a job too, so instead of strong-arming like you bossed him to, he’s over there chumming and drinking with them, then brings back a twenty or two just make it seem like he’s doing the job.

The ways I see it, you got two options. Either hire a hitman, I mean an exterminator. He ain’t there to eat your food, he don’t know none of your family or friends and will just get in a get out. Especially if you got a whole mess of rats, this is the only way to go.

But the other option is to just keep a lid on your secrets you got stored in your basement. Don’t let no rats in, don’t let nobody see that, keep a lid on all that. Keep your goods in boxes, with locks preferably and at the first sign of snooping, move it, hide it, get rid of it. If you ain’t got nothing they want, they won’t come around.

Capeesh?
Alphonse

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