March 10th, 2014

You may have been harassed by a person wearing black, black suspenders and a hounds tooth cap. He is begging the locals for money; some have called it pan-handling. He wants to print books, oh, how lofty. He is directing people to something called a “Kickstarter” where he has made a small film and is giving away prizes.  If you are interested in supporting the arts, or just a begging author, have a look at his postings.


March 1st, 2014

Some readers have been complaining about the increase in pan handling around town. One resident said there is a man wearing black, black suspenders and a hounds-tooth newsie cap asking people for money so he can print books. She thought it was such a strange request from a homeless man that she obliged but nonetheless feels uncomfortable and would like the DMPD to take control of the pan handlers around town.

What are your thoughts? Do you think there are too many pan handlers around town, have you been asked to fund a project to print books? Would you like the DMPD to do something about this? Write us at


February 16th, 2014

Two homeowners on the 800 block of Blake Street in the Gaslamp district have reported break-ins. The suspect is unconfirmed but evidence shows snow crystals tracked through the front halls and coal dust was found on the walls. The suspect is believed to have been scared off when the dog at the second house caught him. The homeowner woke to his dog chewing on a wet carrot.


February 10th, 2014

In honor of St. Valentine’s Day, the honorable Mayor has announced that there will be a theater reenactment of the massacre at the Main Street Square on the corner of Bad Taste and Insensitivity at noon on February 14th. Be sure to grab your sweetheart, your honey, your lover, or your friend and come down to watch the massacre with your valentine. Wear clothing that can be washed or can easily hide the color red. Insensitivity Avenue will be closed off due to the rerouted heavy traffic on Bad Taste Circle. All roads will reopen at 2:00pm.


January 28th, 2014

The cat burglar known as “The Snowman” is on the loose again. Several sightings have been reported in the north east quarter of the Gaslight District. Snow covered yards that previously did not have children’s creations were spotted with a snowman that appeared to move positions. Three houses were reported broken into and two additional houses show signs of tampering on the locks. Carrot shreds were found caught in the key holes. Coal dust was trampled on the welcome mats. If you spot any suspicious snowmen, snow women, snow people or snow animals please report such activity to your local neighborhood watch as well as your local DMPD station.

The only known description of “The Snowman” is that he is about 5’10″, plump, heaviest on the bottom, white, and wears a black top hat.


January 1st, 2014

The annual New Year’s Day Parade will be held between 11:00am and 1:00pm mainly along Broadway Blvd. The route has been rerouted from last year’s normal route as Mrs. Arlington and the Main Street Ladies Club has protested the route claiming damages to flower beds. The city disputes this claim as said flower beds were completely covered in snow and ice last year; no flowers were damaged. The initial hearing of The Main Street Ladies Club v The City will be heard later this year in February. To avoid further conflict the parade route has been diverted away from the Main Street residential area and will now travel down Sixth Street. Mr. Langston and the Sixth Street Singers Club fully supports this change and will join the march with traditional barbershop music once the parade reaches Sixth Street. Secure your spots early, sidewalks fill up quickly!


October 29th, 2013

Dozens of complaints of petty theft have been reported to the DMPD regarding the theft of bed sheets. The first report came in two weeks ago in early October but as the month went on, the complaint numbers have escalated. It is suspected to be one of many Halloween time pranks or perhaps being turned into ghostly costumes. The DMPD have issued a statement that they are investigating the complaints and have released a description of the stolen items. The items, chronologically by date of theft, are listed:

October 8th: white bed sheet, queen. October 11th, White bed sheet, queen and white fitted sheet, queen. October 13th, Six sets of white bed sheets, King and One set of full size. October 15th, Fourteen white pillowcases and one white bed sheet, California king. October 17th, Two white fitted sheets, Queen and one white duvet cover, twin. October 18th, Three unopened packages of white bed sheets, king. October 20th, A full set of creme, bedspreads. Later returned back to the owner. October 21st, Nine white sheets, queen and full, one of which has a faint strip pattern. October 22nd, Four sets of white square pillow cases and one white bed sheet, twin. October 25th, An entire 2600 block of Fifth street woke up to missing white sheets, of various sizes. October 28th, 34 white pillow cases, 8 flat sheets, queen and full, and two fitted sheets, king. October 29th, One white duvet cover, king and a white king bed skirt.

If you have seen any of these items or may know of someone who has, please contact DMPD as soon as possible. Be on the lookout for burglars and thieves climbing on rooftops and looking in bedroom windows. The police have suggested expanding presence on All Hollow’s Eve to inspect the tags of bedsheets being worn by children dressed as ghosts. To report missing bedsheets please contact the DMPD and provide a description of the missing item.


October 22nd, 2013

Upon entering the restaurant, one Miss Lingerfelder of 1515 Hauser St. ordered a hamburger from the cook at Big Louie’s on 802 Main St. She tossed a bill and some coins to the server, not seeing it fell on the open face of the hamburger. She drenched the burger in catsup and mustard, closed the bun and continued to bite down. She did not realize she had eaten money until she hit coin. She chipped two teeth. When interviewed, Miss Lingerfelder replied, “I’ve been coming here for years. It’s ok, I’m not mad, I was ready for a change.”


October 22nd, 2013

The Buckminster Highschool football team is being investigated by local authorities on charges of foul play. One, Richard “The Rookie” Rocks, known east side mobster is the father of star qaurterback, highschool heart throb, dumb as rocks, twinkling eye, locker room showoff, and prom king has been caught paying off and threatening football coaches of other highschools. Buckminster Highschool ranking of 82-0 was what threw the warning flag which was thought to be impossible, especially since they haven’t shown for six games, and were missing fifteen players at one point.


October 22nd, 2013

Three men were discovered in the kitchen freezer of Starlight Lounge on East 55th Street in Little Athens. Their legs were bound but their hands were free to allow themselves to feed off frozen meat. It is unclear how long they may have been there or who may have captured them there. The Daily Mobster asked Nikko Papageorgio, the owner and manager of the Starlight Lounge how the men got there. His only comment was, “It gets hot around here, maybe they wanted to cool off.” When pressed further for his employee records and a timeline of how long they may have been there he only responded, “How should I know? My eyesight is not so good, I could have easily mistaken them for a side of beef. Let’s be glad they didn’t end up in the gyros today.”

DMPD has yet to release the names of the victims but when asked who had done this heinous act to them the journalist was met with a cold shoulder and an icy tone. A response is expected when their windpipes thaw.