Horoscopes

MARCH HOROSCOPES

March 1st, 2014

Aries:3/21-4/19 : March will be quiet for you. But prepare for next month. Something might eclipse your life.

Taurus:4/20-5/20 : Now that you’ve hopefully spent some time, safely indoors. Get out and be social, before you become full albino vampire.

Gemini:5/21-6/20 : This month is big for your career. Things will happen that might appear to be struggles but be ready for something big to happen at work. And I don’t mean big like the time they found that body in the freezer, in the back.

Cancer:6/21-7/22 : Your adventurous side will be sparked. You will travel, learn, philosophize, or even meet someone new. Don’t do them all at once though, that will just lead you into an underground trafficking ring while you are traveling and too busy to know better that these “new” people you are meeting don’t want to philosophize.

Leo:7/23-8/22 : Money, money, money! You will be compensated quite generously this month, but with taxes around the corner, be sure to hide your new found income under the mattress.

Virgo:8/23-9/22 : If you are a happy person, this month will likely be a happy one. If you are generally unhappy or sad, this month is going to be pretty grey. You will be amazed at how accurate this fortune is.

Libra:9/23-10/22 : This is your time to be productive, because sitting around in your pajamas, eating toffee, almond cookies isn’t getting you any closer to your goals. That said, you could be productive by setting a record for how many cookies a single person can eat in one hour. That might make you famous. Your choice, fat slob.

Scorpio:10/23-11/21 : You have come to the moment when you will find life lyrical, poetic, sentimental and lovely. You will likely fall in love. It could just be with a movie star, but that’s OK, you need to update that poster you have, taped above your bed to someone new.

Sagittarius:11/22-12/21 : This is your month for focusing on your home. Perhaps that leaky roof needs repairs, perhaps a coat of paint, or maybe you just need to make it feel a little more like home. You’ve been away for a little to long and your spouse is starting to get suspicious. Fix something around the house and pretend like you care.

Capricorn:12/22-1/19 : Your normal routines will not serve you this month. You need to break out of your box and do something spontaneous. The crow sleeps in the nest tonight. And by spontaneous, I mean get out, go. The eagles are approaching. Seriously, do something spontaneous like, move to Mexico. May Day, May Day. Next month, we will address your thick skull and how you have no clue what I am talking about.

Aquarius:1/20-2/18 : You will have a surge of artistic creativity and a surge in money. It could be related to that creative counterfeiting business you just set up in your basement.

Pisces:2/19-3/20 : Everyone knows. Stop pretending they don’t.

FEBRUARY HOROSCOPES

February 1st, 2014

Aries:3/21-4/19 : Although February is normally the month of love, you will struggle with love this time around. Love will take you by your ram horns and attempt to take you down, so beware of this and don’t be the bull that you are and fall for the waving red cape of love.

Taurus:4/20-5/20 : It seems you had a hard time listening to last month’s horoscope, so perhaps we should try it again. I won’t say “I told you so” but…Stay indoors.

Gemini:5/21-6/20 : Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Fortunately for you, as the beholder, you can’t see yourself, because you ain’t beautiful. This month, get a haircut, a trim, a facial, a rubber mask, anything at all./p>

Cancer:6/21-7/22 : This month of love you will find it. You have to want it though, really, really want it. Once you want to want something that bad you forget you were faking it and it starts to become real, then you fall in love with it and realize that the horoscope was right all the long.

Leo:7/23-8/22 : Eh. Don’t bother.

Virgo:8/23-9/22 : There’s a raise in your future. It could be that bonus raise at work you have been waiting for, but more likely it’s a raise in your rent.

Libra:9/23-10/22 : Your planet is no longer in retrograde, that dark, stinking, cloud is gone, or maybe you just finally decided to take a bath. Either way, be it due to hygiene or a moving planet, your month is looking up for both jobs and relationships. If it was the planets, increase your luck that much more and take a bath.

Scorpio:10/23-11/21 : Mercury is in retrograde, so you will be a nut job this month. Your friends will be scared of you and you’ll likely make mistakes at work. Don’t commit yourself to the loony bin just yet

Sagittarius:11/22-12/21 : I think you took last month’s advice a little too seriously. You’ve been hiding indoors a little too much. Your skin is pasty, your eyes are dilated and Halloween is still months away. I know it’s winter and it’s desolate and white outside, but you don’t need to attempt natural camouflage.

Capricorn:12/22-1/19 : Big Mickey told me an interesting story about you. I think you know what I’m talking about. Now is the time to handle that, otherwise you might not be around to read next month’s horoscope.

Aquarius:1/20-2/18 : You will feel a sense of urgency around this birthday season. Perhaps it is because you are getting old, but more likely it’s because you are trying to beat the meter maid to your unpaid parking meter, running twenty minutes late for work, and forgot to put gas in the car. Urgency strikes more, the ill-prepared.

Pisces:2/19-3/20 : Love is in the air, you are going to smell it and fall in love. If this is what you want, then great, but if you aren’t really on the look out for love right now it will smack you silly. It could be wonderful for you, but that smack is going to hurt after the numbness wears off.

JANUARY HOROSCOPES

January 1st, 2014

Aries:3/21-4/19 : Death is likely. Stay indoors.

Taurus:4/20-5/20 : Death is likely. Stay indoors.

Gemini:5/21-6/20 : Death is likely. Stay indoors.

Cancer:6/21-7/22 : Death is likely. Stay indoors.

Leo:7/23-8/22 : Death is likely. Stay indoors.

Virgo:8/23-9/22 : Death is likely. Stay indoors.

Libra:9/23-10/22 : Death is likely. Stay indoors.

Scorpio:10/23-11/21 : Death is likely. Stay indoors..

Sagittarius:11/22-12/21 : Death is likely. Stay indoors.

Capricorn:12/22-1/19 : Death is likely. Stay indoors.

Aquarius:1/20-2/18 : Death is likely. Stay indoors.

Pisces:2/19-3/20 : Death is likely. Stay indoors.

NOVEMBER HOROSCOPES

November 4th, 2013

Aries:3/21-4/19 : Expect drama around this time of year. I’m talking: marriage, divorce, babies, death, good times or bad times. Be prepared to cry and/or laugh. Venus, the lover, is in the house so be sure not to get caught with her. Everything will be dramatic, so take advantage of it while you can.

Taurus:4/20-5/20 : Choose another horoscope sign to read this month, it will be a lot better than what yours is.

Gemini:5/21-6/20 : Money is coming your way. Before you get too excited, take it easy. It could be a briefcase of money that you really shouldn’t touch, it could be the winning lottery ticket, it could be money you are just meant to keep temporarily for someone or something. But this month will be about financials. Change the password on your bank account, keep a close tally on your checkbook, and watch out for fishy business. This is your chance to get in on some financial successes, or go broke and be homeless. Your choice.

Cancer:6/21-7/22 : This month you will be evaluated so be on your best behavior. Someone is watching you, for better or worse. It might be that black sedan that has been following you for two weeks, it might be the security guard, or more likely, it’s that shirtless guy with a mustache in the apartment across the alley with the binoculars. Just know that this month, you are being watched.

Leo:7/23-8/22 : I hate to say it, but this month is going to be rough for you. Things will have a tendency to go overboard and start a chain reaction, like Rube Goldberg. Like that burger you eat at Sally’s on Broadway, it probably is going to make you really sick. You’ll complain to the manager, he will get defensive and punch you in the face. The fight will escalate, causing three big guys in suits to carry you off to the back room, black back your head, and leave you there for hours. Mind you, you still aren’t feeling well, so you’ll have to embarrass yourself for when someone finally comes to let you out and you take the walk of shame home. But, that’s just a hypothetical example.

Virgo:8/23-9/22 : This is a special time for you. You are going to fall in love. Your creativity and expressive nature will shine this month. That will help when trying to explain to friends and family why you’ve fallen in love with an inanimate object. But don’t pay them any mind. It’s not just puppy love, it’s real.

Libra:9/23-10/22 : You’ll take part in a lot of family gathers this month. Aside from the holidays you’ll find that there is much more to your family than you thought. Uncle Sal doesn’t actually trade currencies for a living (I mean, really? You thought that was really what he did?), and Cousin Albert and his brother Aaron aren’t just security officers. All I’m saying is, be careful what you ask this month, or at least be prepared for the answers.

Scorpio:10/23-11/21 : You’ll be filled with emotion this month. Passions, angers, rage, desires will be on fire. Speaking of fire, I’d keep those emotions on a tight leash as an actual fire, to your house or car, is also a possibility this month.

Sagittarius:11/22-12/21 : Temptations are running high this time of year. As they say, if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is. If it sounds good at all, you should probably stay away from it.

Capricorn:12/22-1/19 : You should probably stop taking the #5 this week. Take the long route, through the West Village.

Aquarius:1/20-2/18 : All of your initiative and effort might face many blocks this month, literal blocks. You might have the feeling of being walled in, perhaps gagged, tied up and cemented into the wall of the old 10th Street Hotel.

Pisces:2/19-3/20 : See, someone came to untie you! Now it’s time to take that first step. Adventure is ahead of you. You still have to figure out where you are and how to get home. Don’t think of it as the worst thing that has ever happened to you, think of it is a learning experience; it’s fun!

OCTOBER HOROSCOPES

October 1st, 2013

Aries:3/21-4/19 : Look, it’s just not your month. You’re bullheaded, idiotic tantrums are just going to get you in trouble. Don’t get an attitude with anyone because chances are it will be another Aries who is also having a terrible month. The last thing we need in this town is another fight. Keep to yourself you arrogant, righteous, ram.

Taurus:4/20-5/20 : The moon is in the seventh house. That is to say that Rupert McAllen, on Maple Street, in the seventh house down is showing his rear to the world. I’d avoid that street if at all possible. Aside from that, stop being such a stubborn ox like the Taurus you are. I know you thought about heading down Maple Street despite our warning. Get a hold of yourself, really.

Gemini:5/21-6/20 : You’ll likely get into a fight with Big Mickey on Friday. Stop listening to the voices in your head, they usually are wrong. As a Gemini, you have two sides to every coin, so when you go to Big Louie’s on Main, don’t order the hamburger because you’ll probably break a tooth. On the other hand, order the hamburger, you might be coming into some money soon.

Cancer:6/21-7/22 : You are a mess and you are lost. We know, aren’t you always? Stop sulking about your lost lover or your spilled milk. This is your chance to get out there and change. We know we tell you that every month, but really, this is your chance.

Leo:7/23-8/22 : Don’t go overboard here. Whatever it is you are about to do. Step back and think rationally a while. First National Trust on 6th just hired two more security guards, so don’t bother. And Frenchie’s Garage stopped keeping their earnings in that tin lunch box. I hate to say it, but your plans are unraveling all around you.

Virgo:8/23-9/22 : I’d stay indoors for a while. Things are looking grim.

Libra:9/23-10/22 : Calm your excitement; it’s not going to last. I know, you think this is the best thing that ever happened to you and you might be right, but if you don’t watch your back, you could lose it all. Boss Boston has had his boys tailing you for months but don’t act like you know now because that would just be obvious. That said, keep an eye out over your shoulder. Your excitement might just turn into real excitement.

Scorpio:10/23-11/21 : We all know what you have hiding in your drawer at work. Don’t pretend like no one knows. Everyone knows and talks about it behind your back. This is your month to challenge yourself to find a new hiding place that no one will find.

Sagittarius:11/22-12/21 : Look, behind You! And that’s all the news that’s fit to print.

Capricorn:12/22-1/19 : No one will have any clue what you are talking about this month. Friends will ask you to repeat yourself, coworkers will blankly stare. You really need to work on your communication skills this month because you’ll likely need them to prevent that sock from being stuffed in your mouth and duct taped over.

Aquarius:1/20-2/18 : Fate is trying to grab you while you let your days escape from you. Vinny Fate, that guy with the scar across his nose, what did you think I meant? You avoid anything new, and walk on egg shells just to keep afloat which means your days have become boring and mundane. A new coffee shop opened up in the alley between 7th and Highmoore, instead of rushing straight to work you should stop by and see. It’s a bit unconventional, what with the sliding metal door and all, but just ask for Vinny. He makes a mean cappuccino.

Pisces:2/19-3/20 : Be patient and someone will come to untie you.