Aries:3/21-4/19 : March will be quiet for you. But prepare for next month. Something might eclipse your life.
Taurus:4/20-5/20 : Now that you’ve hopefully spent some time, safely indoors. Get out and be social, before you become full albino vampire.
Gemini:5/21-6/20 : This month is big for your career. Things will happen that might appear to be struggles but be ready for something big to happen at work. And I don’t mean big like the time they found that body in the freezer, in the back.
Cancer:6/21-7/22 : Your adventurous side will be sparked. You will travel, learn, philosophize, or even meet someone new. Don’t do them all at once though, that will just lead you into an underground trafficking ring while you are traveling and too busy to know better that these “new” people you are meeting don’t want to philosophize.
Leo:7/23-8/22 : Money, money, money! You will be compensated quite generously this month, but with taxes around the corner, be sure to hide your new found income under the mattress.
Virgo:8/23-9/22 : If you are a happy person, this month will likely be a happy one. If you are generally unhappy or sad, this month is going to be pretty grey. You will be amazed at how accurate this fortune is.
Libra:9/23-10/22 : This is your time to be productive, because sitting around in your pajamas, eating toffee, almond cookies isn’t getting you any closer to your goals. That said, you could be productive by setting a record for how many cookies a single person can eat in one hour. That might make you famous. Your choice, fat slob.
Scorpio:10/23-11/21 : You have come to the moment when you will find life lyrical, poetic, sentimental and lovely. You will likely fall in love. It could just be with a movie star, but that’s OK, you need to update that poster you have, taped above your bed to someone new.
Sagittarius:11/22-12/21 : This is your month for focusing on your home. Perhaps that leaky roof needs repairs, perhaps a coat of paint, or maybe you just need to make it feel a little more like home. You’ve been away for a little to long and your spouse is starting to get suspicious. Fix something around the house and pretend like you care.
Capricorn:12/22-1/19 : Your normal routines will not serve you this month. You need to break out of your box and do something spontaneous. The crow sleeps in the nest tonight. And by spontaneous, I mean get out, go. The eagles are approaching. Seriously, do something spontaneous like, move to Mexico. May Day, May Day. Next month, we will address your thick skull and how you have no clue what I am talking about.
Aquarius:1/20-2/18 : You will have a surge of artistic creativity and a surge in money. It could be related to that creative counterfeiting business you just set up in your basement.
Pisces:2/19-3/20 : Everyone knows. Stop pretending they don’t.