October 22nd, 2013

Dear Alphonse,

I have a rat problem. They live in my basement and break into the onions, grains and other goods I store there. I have tried sealing the food, setting traps, and I even brought a cat home but I still have rats. I feel like they are only multiplying and I don’t know what to do. What can I do to fix my rat problem?

Ratted Out

Dear Ratted Out,

Rats are the worst. One rat finds your secret stash; he made his way in through an open window or a crack in the wall. Then he blabs your secret to his little rat friend. Then his little rat friend jaws off to his friends and before you know it you got a whole bunch of rats ratting you out. Traps are okay for one or two, but once one gets nabbed and the others witness it then you got a dirty job you need to cover up. Those other rat friends ain’t gonna go around that trapped area no more, and they sure ain’t gonna step on a trap for some peanut butter, especially when you got the goods just a step away. That cat is just a nasty mooch. He’s like Lenny, the extortionist. He takes your paycheck and eats your food but is really in cahoots with the guy you told him to strong-arm. He knows if he gets rid of them then he’s out of a job too, so instead of strong-arming like you bossed him to, he’s over there chumming and drinking with them, then brings back a twenty or two just make it seem like he’s doing the job.

The ways I see it, you got two options. Either hire a hitman, I mean an exterminator. He ain’t there to eat your food, he don’t know none of your family or friends and will just get in a get out. Especially if you got a whole mess of rats, this is the only way to go.

But the other option is to just keep a lid on your secrets you got stored in your basement. Don’t let no rats in, don’t let nobody see that, keep a lid on all that. Keep your goods in boxes, with locks preferably and at the first sign of snooping, move it, hide it, get rid of it. If you ain’t got nothing they want, they won’t come around.


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