Aries:3/21-4/19 : Look, it’s just not your month. You’re bullheaded, idiotic tantrums are just going to get you in trouble. Don’t get an attitude with anyone because chances are it will be another Aries who is also having a terrible month. The last thing we need in this town is another fight. Keep to yourself you arrogant, righteous, ram.
Taurus:4/20-5/20 : The moon is in the seventh house. That is to say that Rupert McAllen, on Maple Street, in the seventh house down is showing his rear to the world. I’d avoid that street if at all possible. Aside from that, stop being such a stubborn ox like the Taurus you are. I know you thought about heading down Maple Street despite our warning. Get a hold of yourself, really.
Gemini:5/21-6/20 : You’ll likely get into a fight with Big Mickey on Friday. Stop listening to the voices in your head, they usually are wrong. As a Gemini, you have two sides to every coin, so when you go to Big Louie’s on Main, don’t order the hamburger because you’ll probably break a tooth. On the other hand, order the hamburger, you might be coming into some money soon.
Cancer:6/21-7/22 : You are a mess and you are lost. We know, aren’t you always? Stop sulking about your lost lover or your spilled milk. This is your chance to get out there and change. We know we tell you that every month, but really, this is your chance.
Leo:7/23-8/22 : Don’t go overboard here. Whatever it is you are about to do. Step back and think rationally a while. First National Trust on 6th just hired two more security guards, so don’t bother. And Frenchie’s Garage stopped keeping their earnings in that tin lunch box. I hate to say it, but your plans are unraveling all around you.
Virgo:8/23-9/22 : I’d stay indoors for a while. Things are looking grim.
Libra:9/23-10/22 : Calm your excitement; it’s not going to last. I know, you think this is the best thing that ever happened to you and you might be right, but if you don’t watch your back, you could lose it all. Boss Boston has had his boys tailing you for months but don’t act like you know now because that would just be obvious. That said, keep an eye out over your shoulder. Your excitement might just turn into real excitement.
Scorpio:10/23-11/21 : We all know what you have hiding in your drawer at work. Don’t pretend like no one knows. Everyone knows and talks about it behind your back. This is your month to challenge yourself to find a new hiding place that no one will find.
Sagittarius:11/22-12/21 : Look, behind You! And that’s all the news that’s fit to print.
Capricorn:12/22-1/19 : No one will have any clue what you are talking about this month. Friends will ask you to repeat yourself, coworkers will blankly stare. You really need to work on your communication skills this month because you’ll likely need them to prevent that sock from being stuffed in your mouth and duct taped over.
Aquarius:1/20-2/18 : Fate is trying to grab you while you let your days escape from you. Vinny Fate, that guy with the scar across his nose, what did you think I meant? You avoid anything new, and walk on egg shells just to keep afloat which means your days have become boring and mundane. A new coffee shop opened up in the alley between 7th and Highmoore, instead of rushing straight to work you should stop by and see. It’s a bit unconventional, what with the sliding metal door and all, but just ask for Vinny. He makes a mean cappuccino.
Pisces:2/19-3/20 : Be patient and someone will come to untie you.