October 23rd, 2013

Dear Alphonse,

Alphonse, I forgot to file my taxes. What do I do?

Dear @CoconutJustice,

Are you bragging or is this a question? If you want the short answer it’s as easy as rephrasing your own question: Forget to file your taxes. But then, I can’t get away with only writing half a sentence response. So let me elaborate.

Some of the most famous criminals, corporate executives, bankers and politicians were finally brought down by their taxes, even after years of murder, bootlegging, kidnapping, extortion and drug trafficking. I’d separate their charges from their titles accordingly but then I’d be repeating myself. They were charged not for murder, manslaughter, assault, or battery but with tax fraud or tax evasion. When evidence and charges of violent crime fail, resort to the books, Batman! By all accounts you have committed the worst crime possible in the government’s eyes. You should be promoted, perhaps to head of a Wall Street firm. But watch out, my friend, the apocryphal men with guns are most certainly coming for you. You will be made as an example for your peers, an example of what happens when you don’t keep your revenue in offshore accounts and don’t continually report that despite your multimillion dollar share holder earnings, your business has no earnings to be taxed.

It appears, your income is far too normal. My advice to you is to either make far more money or figure out “a way” to make no money at all, because in those two cases, and those two cases alone does the statement “I forgot to pay my taxes” turn into “Forget taxes.” I’d like to close with something witty about there being only two guarantees in life but that would just be disingenuous. I’m no accountant, but I know how to draw a circle. You’d think tax forms would just arrive, pre-filled, with a bunch of zeros. That’s what goes in those spaces, right?



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