Aries:3/21-4/19 : Expect drama around this time of year. I’m talking: marriage, divorce, babies, death, good times or bad times. Be prepared to cry and/or laugh. Venus, the lover, is in the house so be sure not to get caught with her. Everything will be dramatic, so take advantage of it while you can.
Taurus:4/20-5/20 : Choose another horoscope sign to read this month, it will be a lot better than what yours is.
Gemini:5/21-6/20 : Money is coming your way. Before you get too excited, take it easy. It could be a briefcase of money that you really shouldn’t touch, it could be the winning lottery ticket, it could be money you are just meant to keep temporarily for someone or something. But this month will be about financials. Change the password on your bank account, keep a close tally on your checkbook, and watch out for fishy business. This is your chance to get in on some financial successes, or go broke and be homeless. Your choice.
Cancer:6/21-7/22 : This month you will be evaluated so be on your best behavior. Someone is watching you, for better or worse. It might be that black sedan that has been following you for two weeks, it might be the security guard, or more likely, it’s that shirtless guy with a mustache in the apartment across the alley with the binoculars. Just know that this month, you are being watched.
Leo:7/23-8/22 : I hate to say it, but this month is going to be rough for you. Things will have a tendency to go overboard and start a chain reaction, like Rube Goldberg. Like that burger you eat at Sally’s on Broadway, it probably is going to make you really sick. You’ll complain to the manager, he will get defensive and punch you in the face. The fight will escalate, causing three big guys in suits to carry you off to the back room, black back your head, and leave you there for hours. Mind you, you still aren’t feeling well, so you’ll have to embarrass yourself for when someone finally comes to let you out and you take the walk of shame home. But, that’s just a hypothetical example.
Virgo:8/23-9/22 : This is a special time for you. You are going to fall in love. Your creativity and expressive nature will shine this month. That will help when trying to explain to friends and family why you’ve fallen in love with an inanimate object. But don’t pay them any mind. It’s not just puppy love, it’s real.
Libra:9/23-10/22 : You’ll take part in a lot of family gathers this month. Aside from the holidays you’ll find that there is much more to your family than you thought. Uncle Sal doesn’t actually trade currencies for a living (I mean, really? You thought that was really what he did?), and Cousin Albert and his brother Aaron aren’t just security officers. All I’m saying is, be careful what you ask this month, or at least be prepared for the answers.
Scorpio:10/23-11/21 : You’ll be filled with emotion this month. Passions, angers, rage, desires will be on fire. Speaking of fire, I’d keep those emotions on a tight leash as an actual fire, to your house or car, is also a possibility this month.
Sagittarius:11/22-12/21 : Temptations are running high this time of year. As they say, if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is. If it sounds good at all, you should probably stay away from it.
Capricorn:12/22-1/19 : You should probably stop taking the #5 this week. Take the long route, through the West Village.
Aquarius:1/20-2/18 : All of your initiative and effort might face many blocks this month, literal blocks. You might have the feeling of being walled in, perhaps gagged, tied up and cemented into the wall of the old 10th Street Hotel.
Pisces:2/19-3/20 : See, someone came to untie you! Now it’s time to take that first step. Adventure is ahead of you. You still have to figure out where you are and how to get home. Don’t think of it as the worst thing that has ever happened to you, think of it is a learning experience; it’s fun!