Aries:3/21-4/19 : Although February is normally the month of love, you will struggle with love this time around. Love will take you by your ram horns and attempt to take you down, so beware of this and don’t be the bull that you are and fall for the waving red cape of love.
Taurus:4/20-5/20 : It seems you had a hard time listening to last month’s horoscope, so perhaps we should try it again. I won’t say “I told you so” but…Stay indoors.
Gemini:5/21-6/20 : Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Fortunately for you, as the beholder, you can’t see yourself, because you ain’t beautiful. This month, get a haircut, a trim, a facial, a rubber mask, anything at all./p>
Cancer:6/21-7/22 : This month of love you will find it. You have to want it though, really, really want it. Once you want to want something that bad you forget you were faking it and it starts to become real, then you fall in love with it and realize that the horoscope was right all the long.
Leo:7/23-8/22 : Eh. Don’t bother.
Virgo:8/23-9/22 : There’s a raise in your future. It could be that bonus raise at work you have been waiting for, but more likely it’s a raise in your rent.
Libra:9/23-10/22 : Your planet is no longer in retrograde, that dark, stinking, cloud is gone, or maybe you just finally decided to take a bath. Either way, be it due to hygiene or a moving planet, your month is looking up for both jobs and relationships. If it was the planets, increase your luck that much more and take a bath.
Scorpio:10/23-11/21 : Mercury is in retrograde, so you will be a nut job this month. Your friends will be scared of you and you’ll likely make mistakes at work. Don’t commit yourself to the loony bin just yet
Sagittarius:11/22-12/21 : I think you took last month’s advice a little too seriously. You’ve been hiding indoors a little too much. Your skin is pasty, your eyes are dilated and Halloween is still months away. I know it’s winter and it’s desolate and white outside, but you don’t need to attempt natural camouflage.
Capricorn:12/22-1/19 : Big Mickey told me an interesting story about you. I think you know what I’m talking about. Now is the time to handle that, otherwise you might not be around to read next month’s horoscope.
Aquarius:1/20-2/18 : You will feel a sense of urgency around this birthday season. Perhaps it is because you are getting old, but more likely it’s because you are trying to beat the meter maid to your unpaid parking meter, running twenty minutes late for work, and forgot to put gas in the car. Urgency strikes more, the ill-prepared.
Pisces:2/19-3/20 : Love is in the air, you are going to smell it and fall in love. If this is what you want, then great, but if you aren’t really on the look out for love right now it will smack you silly. It could be wonderful for you, but that smack is going to hurt after the numbness wears off.